News

The forums are now back up and running, after a hacking incident involving a spotty teenager from Brazil. But never fear, all is OK now. I think.

Also, I've got a couple of videos for you (finally) in the videos section, and they are good videos. And, as if that wasn't enough, I've got three more Photoshops for you to cast your critical eye over.

Other than that, happy new year to you all, and I hope you keep visiting. No, really.

Shit, is it that time of the year again? Christmas has once again sneaked up on us like a paedophile stalking a schoolgirl, and it is now the time for enforced jollity at shit work 'parties' where middle aged women get drunk and shriek a lot. But all is not lost, for Christmas is also the time for much alcohol and nice food and presents and stuff. As a Christmas present to you, the wonderful people who visit this site even though I haven't updated in ages, I will update stuff.

As a start, here are a few of the best posts from the forum. What comedy lurks in the forum, eh? Well, you can find out by having a look and maybe registering to join the fun.

EXCLUSIVE! Soham paedophile evidence...
This is the actual website that got those two dirty policemen caught up in kiddie-porn charges. The FBI were tracking people who paid for content through this site via their credit cards, and came down on these two kiddy-fiddlers like a big fat man falling onto a small dog.

Here is the site. Don't worry, it's actually work-safe, only the members section has the hard stuff.

My bum
While sitting astride the lav one day i realised that when i pooh it never goes straight into the watery area directly below, but seems to veer off to the right. Does anyone know the reason for this? Is it because years of vigorous wiping has caused a certain amount of butt hole realignment? Im so confused. Its a bit like that time i played an 8 year old girl at Yahoo! pool and lost.

The frenulum AKA Ya Banjo String
The scab was the worst part, not only did it itch like crazy, but every time I sat down it caught on me pants so had to sit down slowly as not to break the scab, this of course made it look like I had piles!

You just can't win. KY What a great invention!

Car Modding - Storeroom Style
The only reason u all hate boyracers is because u are all probably startek fans and prefer talking about modded space ships and clingons. U also probably drive shite fiestas and whan get overtaken say " Im not goinig to even try" when u know your car wont go over 60. So instead of slatting something you dont know a thing about go back to the libary and keep your noses out u specky sad virgins

That's it for now. There'll be more coming later.

Well, this has been round for quite a while, but it's still funny. Make Buffy swear by using your keyboard! Yes, it's really as fun as it sounds!

Go here now and make with the swearing.

In other news, I will get the new photos up soon, just got to clear some room for them. It's getting a bit tight in here (oo-er).

In an exciting new development to thestoreroom.tk, I have drafted in two highly experienced American agony columnists, who write for the New York Times and Hustler, to help solve all of your problems. Whether your problem is with girls, money, ethics or a strange genital dysfunction, the experts will be able to help. Less talk, more introducing the experts!

Rabbi Jubes

Rabbi Jubes has been a serving Rabbi of a leading New York synagogue for the past 16 years, and has a vast wealth of experience in the troubles of modern life. Go to the Rabbi who knows all about everything. Just don't ask him about sex, otherwise he'll try to smack you in the face with his ever-present dredel.

Dr Brownlove

Dr. Brownlove has been working in Los Angeles for nearly 20 years and has worked his magic on some of the biggest porn-stars in the world. An expert in all things sex, the good Doctor will 'put to bed' any worries you might have about your genitals, sex or other smutty questions

So if you think the Rabbi or the Doctor can help you solve your problems, click here and tell them all. Or just make something up. Just help me out, yes?

One Year On? and TV is saturated with documentaries, emotional memories and fat people shouting "9-11 NEVER FORGET DOOD!". As my way of expressing my feelings over Sept 11th 2001 and as a big GET THE FUCK OVER IT I'll take photos of whatever you want (except some things) and post them in the forum.

Request the photos you want in this thread and I'll see what I can do.

Helio! There's going to be a bit of a break in updates, as I'm going to live at Performance VW's house while he's off shagging in Rohypnol Island (Faliraki). So I'll be watching Sky TV, playing on his PS2 and working (unfortunately).

So, um, BYE!

Evening people... Got a new feature for you, this time written by the reguler forum-goer Performace VW. Makes a change from me I guess.

It's a handy guide to nearly all the pubs and clubs in the wonderful westcountry town of Taunton, in Somerset. Boasting a whole array of witty descriptions, controversial opinions and a great comment system, you can read all about your favourite pubs and leave your own opinion. It's great. Have a look and laugh yourself stupid.

Got a new feature for you lovely people, this one's about the constant and gradual devaluation of swearing (it's better than it sounds, honestly). After PerformanceVW's overuse of the word 'cunt' at the wedding reception, I realised that the word suddenly had a fraction of the impact it should. So I've written an article about what's happened to swearing, how to swear properly, and some fine video and audio examples of swearing. Enjoy.

Also, I've actually got a few sounds up - only a few mind. And they will only be funny (slightly funny) if you know us and our stupid obsessions. Have a look. Or have a hear, or something like that.

The fancy screensaver I got you all to download and use and proclaim great was actually a super-secret OMGWTFDEBUG version, so you got to see numbers on the bouncing logo bit. Ooops.

Download the proper non-debug version here

I've been working hard, excercising my creative muscles and have managed to spurt out a screensaver for you lovely people to use. You've got two choices; you can either have a simple one that just has a bouncing logo (click for preview), or a more fancy one that cycles through 5 different screensavers.

Click on the screenshots below to preview one of the screensavers. You'll need the Flash 5 plug-in, but you've probably got it anyway. If you haven't, then you're probably gay.

Download the simple bouncing screensaver here, or get the fancy cycling one here. Once you've downloaded the zip file, just unzip it into your Windows directory. If you get stuck, you should probably ask for help.

Got some more features for you people to read, comprehend and then talk about in the forums, except these are far from my best features I've ever written. In fact, I'm quite ashamed of them and I'm only putting them up here as it bulks up the content. Kind of like fibre bulks up your shit and makes it easier to go to the toilet, but in digital web-friendly form.

What the Fuck is Hentai? is an in-depth expose of the seedy underworld of Japanese anime/manga/whatever it's called. Featuring all your favourite sexual fetishes!
Separated at Birth is my most half-assed effort to date. Only mildly funny, it was much funnier before I started work on it. You might find it funny, who knows...

That's it for a while. I've got more in the pipeline, but they're going to need more work on them to make sure they're better than these 'things'.

I've finally got round to doing it... Here's the new Storeroom Park picture, with more of your favourite Storeroom people. If you don't know us, then this'll be meaningless, but what the hell.

This is your chance to be a part of the best feature ever...

I've got rid of the AX - that's right, the star of the Car Modification Guide is no longer on the road, as it was doomed to fail it's MOT. So, to mark the passing of the car to the next level, I'd like to do some extreme mods to the car now that it's fully at my disposal. Only trouble is, I've got nowhere to do this radical modifications, which will involve cutting bits off the car + more.

So, if you've got a garage or area of land that I can use (in the Taunton area please) and would let me work on the car there (access to power etc. needed for tools) then I would love you forever. If no one can, then this feature will have to be condemned to the vast oblivion of features that never make it to publication.

If you can help, get in contact please. Thanks.

Hello to everyone who visits this wonderful site as a result of the address working it's way round the 'Chef. Now, don't be scared, but some of the links that this site contains are a bit wierd. Sometimes just disgusting. But that's what you expect from someone from West Buckland I suppose...

Anyway, here's a few features you should look at and then proclaim me to be the "King of Funny".

• Live & Breathe - This might explain Live & Breathe, then again it might not. Take the Spring 2000 examination to truly test your RoadChef knowledge and see if you can beat Graham Miller's all-time high of 98%.
• Car Modifications - Take a peek at the world-famous Car Modification Guide that gained praise from many people. And some abuse. It's the funniest thing I've ever done.
• Photos - And take a look at some of the photos of various ex-RoadChef employees and more, in various amusing* poses and situations.

( * Actual funny content may vary.)

Look what I just did.

NOW YOU

First update in a while, and there's a reason for the recent lack of update-type things here. I'm back at RoadChef, working shitty shifts cooking food for ungrateful Northerners. I've just had my first paycheck, so I can now pay all those wonderful people who lent me money (thanks for giving me money boys!).

But I'm disappointed. Very disappointed about having to go back to RoadChef. I didn't spend 4 years and thousands of pounds to work in the same job that I had when I was 16. My grand plan of going back to HP was well and truly fucked when the CEO decided that merging with Compaq would solve all their problems. Ah well, maybe one day I'll get my break. And my millions.

Anyway, on to the new feature. For the first time, pornography makes an appearance on thestoreroom.tk. I've craftily replaced the heads of male smutstars in various porn pictures with the heads of your favourite storeroom members. I had to trawl the net for these photos, and it was indeed hard work. I think it's been worth the wait. If you've got a picture of someone you'd like to be 'pornified' mail it to me and I'll think about it. Now, click the banner for Porn!

A very chucklesome link today - a Russian policeman lost his rag at a protester in some kind of riot/protest, tried to demonstrate his feelings by punching the woman but punched her child instead. The child tried to fight back with a complex series of jabs, but was restrained by her mother*. The actual story can be found at the BBC here.

(* NOT TRUE)

A few updates of the updatey kind today. BeardWatch has now finished, due to an incident on Saturday night. Bloody bouncers. Plus, there's a new vote for you guys to vote in, this time between two Eastenders women.

I don't think there's anything more to say. Nope, nothing else has happened.

Woooo! A new feature (well, it's not really a feature) has made it's way onto thestoreroom.tk. Now you can send me an SMS text message right to my mobile phone. Whether I'll actually get the SMS, read it or even acknowledge it is debatable.

Anyway, start texting here, you'll only be able to send 15 per day. I can get more, but it means more work...

I've updated a few of the features for you ungrateful bastards (join the mailing list please). Here's the lowdown:

• BeardWatch is still going strong, now 23 days into the experiment and I haven't got rid of it yet...
• Photoshop Phun has been added to, with a trio of new Photoshops appearing magically at the top of the page...
• Neighbours Laydeez - your votes have been collected and counted and an astonishing 95% of you lot agree with me, that Susan is best. I am so great.
• And techy crap now, I've changed the way the photos are stored, so hopefully it'll be easier to update, add and change photos. And comments will be along soon.

Shit me - did I poop myself yesterday. Here's a little story about my drive back up to Bristol:

I start my journey back to Bristol quite slowly, pootling along at 60-70mph purely because my head hurt from the night before. I soon get tired of following some crappy estate so I decide to put my foot down. About a mile down the road, I hit 80mph (wooo!). I'm now in the outside lane, streaking past cars.

A little backstory here, and this is important. I attempted to do further mods to my car on Saturday, and in the process snapped off my rear view mirror. So I had to drive back to Bristol without a rear view mirror. Bear this in mind when you read the next bit...

Just as I get to Junction 25, I look in my side mirrors to see the looming shape of a Police car. Cue increased heart rate, blood pressure, sweating and slight staining of underwear. My thoughts at this time were something like 'Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck'. Already travelling at my car's practical maximum speed, I had no choice but to continue the overtaking manouver that I was currently engaged in. It went on forever. Also, bearing in mind the fact that I was missing a rear view mirror convinced me I was going to be ass-raped and possibly beaten by the traffic-nazis.

As I was nearing completion of the overtake, still travelling at about 80mph, the Police flashed their lights. Cue even higher heart rate, blood pressure through the roof and complete evacuation of my poo-pipe. I eventually complete the overtaking process, and prepare for the short journey to the hard shoulder. The Police sweep past me and pull into the middle lane in front. I patiently wait for the car to indicate to the left and pull me over. But it never happens. The Police zoom off apparantly in search of donuts or something. I probably made an audible sigh of relief. I can't tell because it felt like I was in a dream.

A few miles down the road and I meet the Police car again, this time he'd stopped an MPV with kids in the back and a wife sitting in the front - probably immigrants or something. I point and laugh and make my merry way back to Bristol. The rest of the journey was tame compared to the early excitement. Never again will I go without a rear view mirror or speed on the motorway. EVER.

Found yet more disturbing internet pages thanks to the forums at Something Awful, and I'll present a little selection for you here

• A great set of animated gifs explaining a whole range of sexual acts, including Dirty Sanchez and Dog Fucking:
  
• Next up is a rather disturbing guide on How to have Sex with Dogs. There are people out there who want to spread the word on how exciting and fulfilling a doggy-human sex session can be. Weird fuckers.
• Another classic guide similar to the previous, this time a useful guide: Necrophilia for Dummies. Oh Jesus. Here's a quote:

  So now you've got a stiff lying seductively in front of you, but you have no idea how to start. How you proceed from this point onward really depends upon what kind of person you are. The corpse will last longer if you treat it gently and with care, but if you prefer to go all out you'll probably receive greater satisfaction. There are many differences between screwing a live and a dead person which one needs to be aware of...

Thanks to my recent registration at the Something Awful Forums, I've found a mountain of great new content. Part of which was this nasty, nasty link. Butchering the Human Carcass for Human Consumption is a step-by-step guide on how to prepare a human body for eating (don't worry, there's no pictures, so it's work-safe) and goes into a fair bit of detail.

Here's a quote:

Continue the cut to the throat around the entire neck, from the jawline to the back of the skull. Once muscle and ligament have been sliced away, the head can be cleanly removed by gripping it on either side and twisting it off, separation occurring where the spinal cord meets the skull

Yum.

In a shameless attempt to attract new blood to the tired, middle-aged sport of Golf, the PGA Tour executives have begun filming a series of hardcore porn films on major golf courses. A whole range of videos will be produced, ranging from mainstream smut, through lesbian fantasies, to bestiality. They plan to record several scenes at the Vivary Park golf course some time in the summer.

You can see the star of the first film, a Ms. Dee Lite, kissing and caressing the 15" glass dildo that was used in the opening scene.

[ photo stolen from here. yes, it's real ]